60 very funny Facebook status

Don't know what to write on your wall in Facebook? Here is a list of 60 very funny Facebook status messages that you can use in your profiles.

Most of these can also be used for SMS Jokes. Note that a lot of these messages start with lowercase since the first word of your status message will actually be your name that Facebook automatically puts in front of the message. 

 (Status ideas are also updated in the comments.. So, scroll down to the bottom and check the status ideas in the comments as well) 

if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation. 
ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to! 
If swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me? 
Being the youngest child is the biggest compliment ever!  Think about it...your parents decided they finally got it right and didn't need to try again!  LMAO! 
is thinking that beer is the answer... who cares what the question is! 
Smile uncontrollably and the world smiles with you. Laugh uncontrollably and they'll think your on drugs. 
Why do people put designs on toilet paper? It's not like when they wipe their butt there gonna be like Oh my god! a flower!! 
has 2 mysterious people living in our house... Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who! 
What is love? In math, a problem. In history, a battle. In science, it's a reaction. In art, it's a heart.But to me? Love always will and simply be, you. 
I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast forward the bullshit. Rewind the memories. =) 
has often looked at people and wondered, "Out of 10 million sperm, you were the fastest?" 
Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English 
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face. 
There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding", a little knowledge behind every "i don't know", a little emotion behind every "i don't care" 
3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 Your retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot. 
Life would be perfect if: Some girls had mute buttons; Some guys had edit buttons; Hard times had fast forward buttons; And Good times had pause buttons =) 
My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it. 
Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition! 
"It's impossible." said pride."It's risky." said experience."It's pointless." said reason."Give it a try." whispered the heart. 
hhhmmm wouldn't it b good if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people lol 
has decided to start having a balanced diet for a change.......a beer in each hand!!!!! 
is sorry he missed what you said, his bullshit filter was switched on 
says how comes we live in a world where a pizza arrives before the police? 
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and Im wide awake. Not sure who won. 
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?" 
Shot my first turkey yesterday. .  scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awesome !!! 
is very very good in bed... I can take 6-8 hours easy, even though I only get 2-3 if I am real lucky... Sleep!  Dirty Minded Friends... lol 
's question of the day: "why is Monday sooooo far away from Friday, and Friday so bloody close to Monday?" 
cursed the bathroom mirror, this morning, for scaring the crap out of him, when he turned the light on. 
Did ya ever notice that LIVE backwards is EVIL?!! and LIVED is Devil. creepy huh? 
thinks that mornings would be better if they happened in the afternoon 
Yesterday, I didn't forward a chain mail. Today I'm still alive. 
wonders ifanyoneknowswhatthelongstickatthebottom ofthekeyboardisfor? 
knows that when the alarm clock rings the best part of the day is over 
is going to mix youtube, twitter and Facebook into one time consuming site, and he'll call it, http://www.youtwitface.com 
cried today...i heard on the news the government wants to kill all mentally ill people, i thought of you...run my little retard run! 
is wondering if he is too old to run away from home? 
at any given time, .7% of the world's population is drunk, I'm just doing my part to keep that statistic honest! 
when I shut my mouth and turn to walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means your stupid ass isn't worth my time. 
How come when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called paranoid schizophrenia?! 
Alcohol screws up your math skills.  When sober, 3+2+1=6. But drinking triple + seeing double + being single = WHOLE LOTTA fun. 
I phoned up a call centre, and the automatic message said, "All our advisers are engaged."  Congratulations to them all. Now answer the fucking phone. 
If you don't like  someone, walk a mile in there shoes. You'll be a mile away from them, and you'll have there shoes :) 
Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in, not realizing that they are standing in an airport. 
WARNING: Aliens are coming to abduct all the hot and sexy people! I just wanted to tell you goodbye and not to worry you will be safe. 
is so proud of his children no fighting no arguing, they are getting along so well...IN SEPARATE ROOMS! 
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM  is exactly the same backwards :-0 
Have you ever woken up, after having a dream that you ate the worlds biggest marshmallow,, and your pillow is gone?.. 
I sleep better naked...why can't the flight attendant understand this? 
what begins with C ends in T,  hairy on the outside and wet on the inside? a coconut u dirty minded filth bag! 
is normal. It's the world around his that's crazy! 
has lost his mind and is not sure he wants to find it. If found, please return it COD and I will pick it up next payday. 
unfortunately is at work...will everybody please refrain from having such a good time during this difficult period...thanks for your co-operation. 
's Rules... RULE No1: I am always right. RULE No2: if i am wrong please refer to RULE No1. 
OK am not one to brag..but I think I deserve a medal..I Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge! 
: Say this fast-  { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it 
I'm the kind of crazy girl that bumps into chairs and says "Oops excuse Me"  Then stops herself and says did i really just talk to a chair? 
I've been trying to workout this week, but it hasn't been working out. 
At 6 min & 7 sec after 5am on the 8th September this year it will be 05:06:07 08-09-10. This won't  happen again until year 3010 !!! 
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. 


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